“A seed neither fears light nor darkness, but uses both to grow.”

― Matshona Dhliwayo

Six weeks after moving into a new house with 12 gorgeous raised beds in the backyard and the kind of workshop kitchen I’d always dreamed of, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was standing in that kitchen on a Friday evening when I got “the call”. I leaned against the cupboards and slid to the floor as my head grew light from the news. It was the kind of before-and-after moment that splits your life.

“I have malignant breast cancer,” I uttered to my husband when he wandered into the kitchen and found me sitting on the floor. We both have careers in oncology and had an idea of what treatment would look like, but in hindsight knowing about something and actually experiencing it are worlds apart. I recently heard Jedidiah Jenkins say of a friend, “She has access to truths that I don’t.” I now have access to truths that I didn’t before.

Through all the scans and biopsies, surgeries and radiation, chemotherapy, immunotherapy, endocrine therapy, and physical therapy, all of it in the midst of a global pandemic- my backyard garden and kitchen provided sanctuary. I loved watching the astonishing variety of bees collecting nectar and pollen from the flowering plants. Or pruning cherry tomatoes in such a way that they grew up a trellis and over my head. In our typical silliness, Matt and I laughed as we ate the ones at mouth level directly off the plant without using our hands. I was astonished by the abundant harvest from such a small garden. The greens in particular were impossible to keep up with until I discovered an affinity for dishes like Saag Paneer and Red Beans and Greens. Imagining ways to turn all that beautiful produce into meals brought me such life and joy throughout treatment.

And it all started with seeds. Seeds planted with a kind of desperate hope at a time when I had completely lost my sense of taste and eating became a chore instead of a pleasure. I went out everyday to see which seedlings were poking through the earth or putting out their first true leaves or flowers. I came to appreciate how long a tomato can stay green on the vine and the sometimes psychedelic display they can put on before finally ripening. My sense of taste also went through a bizarre progression as I gained back sweet, then salty, bitter, and finally sour and umami. I’ve always loved tomato season- that first, sun-warmed bite is just heavenly- but 2020 was special because tomatoes tasted like tomatoes again and there was no guarantee that was going to happen.

Now it’s time to start planting seeds again and with a kitchen garden there are a few things I like to keep in mind:

• First and most important is what do you like to eat? The food you grow has the potential to be freshest, most delicious version of itself. Do you love crunchy, refreshing cucumbers with hummus? Plant some cucumbers! Do you eat a lot of salads? How about planting a variety of lettuces and root vegetables so you can create some of the best ones you’ve ever eaten?
• What do you want to want to eat? Do you want to eat more greens because you know they are good for you? Plant some kale or collards or swiss chard and experiment with smoothies, wraps, kale chips, salads and more.
• What do you want to have available that is difficult to find at a farmer’s market or grocery store? Are there particular herbs like epazote or chervil that you want to use but can’t find anywhere- plant them yourself and you’ll have access to those flavors. One thing that fits into this category is heirloom beans, particularly shelling beans which are almost impossible to find but such a treasure in the kitchen.
• What would be a fun challenge? What is something that you’ve never tried to grow before but would like to try? What about planting the ingredients for a curry paste like garlic, cilantro and lemongrass? Or trying your hand at things that are a little trickier like cauliflower or melons? Or starting seeds inside for something that doesn’t typically grow in your zone?

I love getting out some graph paper and dreaming up garden plans. Today is about 10 weeks from our average last frost date. The weather is supposed to be unusually warm this week and I plan to divide my chives and prune my sage bushes. I am also going to start seeds for my “challenge” plant which is going to be artichokes this year. I fell in love with an gratin of flageolet beans and artichokes with leeks and goat cheese that would be fun to cook with my own produce but I’m also just curious to watch them grow.

Here’s to seeds, both literal and metaphorical, and the way that they inspire hope and wonder.